Religious Humor

There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted. Since the preacher didn’t believe in such things, he rented it.

It wasn’t long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:
  • $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
  • $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
  • $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
  • $656.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
  • 00666 - Zip code of the Beast
  • 1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only 6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
  • Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
  • 666° F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
  • 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
  • 6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
  • i66686 - CPU of the Beast
  • 666i - BMW of the Beast
  • DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
  • 668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
  • a+rw - The file permissions of the Beast
  • 6.6.6 Software Version of the Beast
  • 666 - Dewey call number of the Beast
  • HL666 - LC call number of the Beast
  • - E-mail of the Beast
  • - Home page of the beast
  • 666 666 666 6666 - Visa Number of the Beast (It’s everywhere he wants to be)
  • 6/66 - Expiration date (the card, not him)
  • 66.6° C - Temperature of the Beast
  • “Hell” v.6 n.66, pp. 6-66 - Citation of the Beast
  • Hell in A Major (op.66, no.6) - Etude of the Beast
  • 6,6,6 - exact fertilizer needed to make the Beast bloom
  • 1666 - The Beast “redecorates” London (The year of the great fire of London)
  • thickth, thickth, thickth - Cindy Brady (with lithp) referring to the Beast
  • 666 6th AVE #666 - Mailing address of the Beast
  • 666 - Exact number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of the Beast
  • 666 - The number that all VCR clocks flash in HELL
  • 6.66% - % of fat of “lean” Beast prior to cooking
  • Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
  • DCLXVI - Roman Numeral of the Beast
  • 1010011010 - binary number of the Beast
  • 666 mg - recommended daily requirement of the Beast
  • 1-666 - Area Code of the Beast

A man caught in a flood prayed to God for help. While he was on his knees praying, a police officer came to the door and offered to evacuate him, but he said, “No thanks, Officer, I’ll stay here, God will deliver me” and resumed his prayers. Then a person in a rowboat came by as the waters were rising, and the man said, “No thanks, I’ll stay here, God will deliver me” and continued praying to God for help. The waters continued to rise and the man had to climb onto his roof. At last a helicopter came with a ladder and the pilot told him to climb aboard. He again refused, all the while sitting on the roof and praying to God. Finally the waters covered him and he drowned. After he got to heaven he told God how disappointed he was that God didn’t answer his prayers. God said, “What do you mean I didn’t answer? I sent a police officer, a rowboat and a helicopter; what else did you want?”

Does it seem to you that churches these days just expect too much from their people? Well before you remember that Jesus told us to pick up our cross and follow Him daily, read the following announcement, then repent!

Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, because we are Low-Cal. Low Calvin, that is. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 35-minute worship services, with 7-minute sermons. Next Sunday’s exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 500. We have only 6 Commandments -- Your choice! We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament “Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings”. We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of course. We are looking forward with great anticipation to our 800-year Millennium. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!


A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn’t attend worship services, included “Reasons Why I Never Wash” in the Sunday bulletin:

  • I was forced to as a child.
  • People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
  • There are so many different kinds of soap; I can’t decide which one is best.
  • I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
  • I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
  • None of my friends wash.
  • I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
  • I can’t spare the time.
  • The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
  • People who make soap are only after your money.
  • I don’t like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
  • I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don’t need a bathtub.
  • I know how to stay clean without washing.
  • The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.
  • What I do doesn’t affect anybody but me.
  • I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
  • I don’t believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.
  • Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.
  • If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.
  • I’m so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.
  • Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.
  • Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
  • If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.
  • Washing is for women and children.
  • Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
  • I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
  • I only believe in things I can see, and I can’t see bacteria.
  • Children need to see that it is OK to be different.
  • Children need to see a few bad examples.
  • Washing may have been OK in my grandfather’s day, but it’s not practical in today’s world. I need to look dirty, talk dirty, and fight dirty to survive.
  • I watch other people washing on TV.
  • There are lots of clean people who never wash.
  • We’ve just moved here six years ago and haven’t had a chance.
  • I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
  • I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.
  • I never wash when I have company.
  • Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
  • My wife washes enough for the whole family
  • I know people who wash but don’t act very clean.
  • Washing is the opiate of the masses.

One day Abraham was busy installing Windows XP on his old PC. “But father,” said Isaac, “you don’t have enough memory to run Windows XP!” “Don’t worry, my son,” replied Abraham. “God himself will provide the RAM.”


Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right.
I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper.
I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that!

But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help.

Thank you! Amen.


  • The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  • The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The associate minister unveiled the church’s new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours.”
  • 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side.

“Hello? Hello?”

Jesus replied, “Who is it?”

“Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied.

Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Joseph?”

The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”

Three ministers were talking over lunch and before long found themselves discussing how much of the weekly donations was appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord. The first minister says, “I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air... whatever lands on the right side of the line is God’s and whatever lands on the left is mine.” The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but “I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine.” They both contemplate each other’s answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. “Well, how do you do it?” asks the first to the third. “Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he’ll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.”

Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.

One said “You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away.”

Another said ”Me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since!”

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to heaven,” she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

“And then?” asked a woman.

“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter’s “gatekeeping” questions.

“And what area of health care were you involved with?” he asked the first. “I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood,” the man replied.

“Excellent,” said St. Peter, “how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward.”

“And you?” Peter asked the second.

“I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms.”

“A noble calling, indeed,” said Peter, “you’re in!”

“What about you?” he asked the third.

“Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan.”

St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: “I’ve got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days.”

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect-except the clone used extraordinarily foul language.

The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in so many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.

The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it didn’t look like murder. The best thing, it seemed, was to make the clone’s death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.

Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

An angel was feeling rather blue with the uniform sameness of heaven and went to see St. Peter. “All I do,” the angel said, “is play the harp endlessly, and I’m getting bored.”

St. Peter asked, “What would you rather do?”

The angel answered, “I like to dance.”

“We don’t allow dancing here in heaven,” St. Peter said, “but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance.”

“I’m gone,” the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave.

The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, “I’m back and I am so happy. I’ll never feel bored again.”

St. Peter said, “That’s wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?” “Oh, no,” the angel said, “I left my harp in Sam Frank’s Disco.”


10. “I’m sorry, I’ve found someone more spiritual.”
9. “I’m sorry, it’s just not God’s will.”
8. “I feel called to the ministry very soon and very far from you as soon as possible.”
7. “I’m sorry, it could never work. I’m a sanguine and you’re a phlegmatic.”
6. “God loves me and must have a better plan for my life.”
5. “You know, I feel like I’m dating my brother.”
4. “At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together.”
3. “You need someone with lower standards.”
2. “I think we should just be prayer partners.”
1. “I do love you, but it’s just agape now.”

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