There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted. Since the preacher didn’t believe in such things, he rented it.
It wasn’t long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.”
OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know:
A man caught in a flood prayed to God for help. While he was on his knees praying, a police officer came to the door and offered to evacuate him, but he said, “No thanks, Officer, I’ll stay here, God will deliver me” and resumed his prayers. Then a person in a rowboat came by as the waters were rising, and the man said, “No thanks, I’ll stay here, God will deliver me” and continued praying to God for help. The waters continued to rise and the man had to climb onto his roof. At last a helicopter came with a ladder and the pilot told him to climb aboard. He again refused, all the while sitting on the roof and praying to God. Finally the waters covered him and he drowned. After he got to heaven he told God how disappointed he was that God didn’t answer his prayers. God said, “What do you mean I didn’t answer? I sent a police officer, a rowboat and a helicopter; what else did you want?”
Does it seem to you that churches these days just expect too much from their people? Well before you remember that Jesus told us to pick up our cross and follow Him daily, read the following announcement, then repent!
Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, because we are Low-Cal. Low Calvin, that is. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 35-minute worship services, with 7-minute sermons. Next Sunday’s exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 500. We have only 6 Commandments -- Your choice! We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament “Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings”. We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of course. We are looking forward with great anticipation to our 800-year Millennium. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!
WHY I NEVER WASH
A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn’t attend worship services, included “Reasons Why I Never Wash” in the Sunday bulletin:
One day Abraham was busy installing Windows XP on his old PC. “But father,” said Isaac, “you don’t have enough memory to run Windows XP!” “Don’t worry, my son,” replied Abraham. “God himself will provide the RAM.”
A PRAYER FOR THE DAY
Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right.
But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.
REAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON CHURCH BULLETINS
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side.
Jesus replied, “Who is it?”
“Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied.
Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Joseph?”
The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”
Three ministers were talking over lunch and before long found themselves discussing how much of the weekly donations was appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord. The first minister says, “I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air... whatever lands on the right side of the line is God’s and whatever lands on the left is mine.” The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but “I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine.” They both contemplate each other’s answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. “Well, how do you do it?” asks the first to the third. “Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he’ll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.”
Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.
One said “You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing seems to scare them away.”
Another said ”Me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since!”
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to heaven,” she replied. The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”
THE GREAT DEBATE
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! “What happened?” they asked.
“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter’s “gatekeeping” questions.
“And what area of health care were you involved with?” he asked the first. “I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood,” the man replied.
“Excellent,” said St. Peter, “how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward.”
“And you?” Peter asked the second.
“I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms.”
“A noble calling, indeed,” said Peter, “you’re in!”
“What about you?” he asked the third.
“Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan.”
St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: “I’ve got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days.”
A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect-except the clone used extraordinarily foul language.
The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in so many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.
The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it didn’t look like murder. The best thing, it seemed, was to make the clone’s death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.
Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.
An angel was feeling rather blue with the uniform sameness of heaven and went to see St. Peter. “All I do,” the angel said, “is play the harp endlessly, and I’m getting bored.”
St. Peter asked, “What would you rather do?”
The angel answered, “I like to dance.”
“We don’t allow dancing here in heaven,” St. Peter said, “but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance.”
“I’m gone,” the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave.
The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, “I’m back and I am so happy. I’ll never feel bored again.”
St. Peter said, “That’s wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?” “Oh, no,” the angel said, “I left my harp in Sam Frank’s Disco.”
TOP 10 LINES CHRISTIAN WOMEN USE TO BREAK-UP
10. “I’m sorry, I’ve found someone more spiritual.”