In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firmís own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country peopleís fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germanyís Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but youíll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilmanís two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by Americaís keepers of the word:
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
A STUPID RIDDLE
A NEWS STORY
"Response to a wildfire on the south of Franceís Cote díAzur was billed as a marvel of modern fire-fighting technology. Two specially-built flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of the Mediterranean, scooping vast amounts of water into their belly tanks, and then dropped the water on the hillside fire. It worked beautifully and the fire was extinguished. All was jolly and the wine flowed freely until a body was found in the ashes.
"The coroner found that the gentleman had apparently fallen from a great height, suffering serious injuries before being burned to death. The report further noted that the victim was wearing a bathing suit, snorkel, and swim fins."
Okay, so this turns out to be an urban legend... but itís still funny!
John invited his mother over for dinner.† During the meal, his mother couldnít help noticing how handsome Johnís roommate was.† She had long been suspicious of Johnís sexuality and this only made her more curious.† Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his† momís thoughts, John volunteered,† ďI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,† Mike and I are just roommates.Ē
About a week later, Mike came to John and said, ďEver since your mother came to dinner, Iíve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.† You donít† suppose she took it, do you?Ē† John said, ďWell, I doubt it, but Iíll write her a letter just to be sure.Ē
So he sat down and wrote:† ďDear Mother, Iím not saying you ídidí take a gravy ladle from my house, and Iím not saying you ídid notí take a gravy ladle.† But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.Ē
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: ďDear Son, Iím not saying that you ídoí sleep with Mike, and Iím not saying that you ídonítí sleep with Mike.† But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, MomĒ
CHILDREN WRITE LETTERS TO GOD
Dear GOD, I read the Bible.† What does íbegatí mean?† Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison.
Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?† -Lucy
Dear GOD, Is it true my father wonít get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?† -Anita
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why donít You just keep the ones You have now?† -Jane
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries?† -Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?†† -Neil
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God?† I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then Iím going to fix my brother.† -Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday?† I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.† -Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.† -Bruce
Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please donít let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.† -Denise
Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.† -Raphael
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat.† You should give him a tail.† Ha ha. -Danny
Dear GOD,† Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.† It works with my brother.† -Larry
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.† -Sam
Dear GOD, You donít have to worry about me.† I always look both ways. -Dean
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.† There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.† -Nan
Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesnít sound right. Theyíre just kidding, arenít they?† -Marsha
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, Iíll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light.† But in Sunday school they said You did it.† So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool."† But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thatís what I would do. -Eddie
Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD.†† Well, I just want You to know, but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles
Dear GOD, I didnít think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.† That was cool!† -Eugene